So, tonight was my fourth session with my awesome psychologist, who I’ll just call Dr. Ash, and she made me feel a Hell of a lot better about my conflicting feelings.
She told me:
Yes, it’s okay to say hockey makes me happy.
Yes, it’s okay to still want my ex back.
Yes, it’s okay to be upset and feel sad when I get no response from her.
No, it wasn’t overreacting to be upset after seeing a gift being snarkily made fun of on Twitter.
Yes, I have every right to cry because I feel like I was her four year experiment.
I know I deleted a few posts at the
ex’s request because they made her uncomfortable.
She’s trapped in the closet. And that’s fine because I’m not sure she’s actually into women anyway.
I forgot this sage advice from Orange Is the New Black:
It’s true. Follow it to save yourself heartache.
I wrote this long winded email begging her for another chance and her response was she had to mull it over. (not an exact quote) That was Thursday? Friday? Almost a week later and not a peep. I think I have my answer.
I actually said everything that went wrong was my fault.
Bull fucking shit.
It takes two to fuck up a relationship. I don’t know why I want to let her off with no blame.
I still love her deeply and probably always will.
Does she feel the same? I’d like to think she loves me. She said she did.
My whole life throbs like a toothache right now and honestly the only thing holding me together is Blue Jackets playoff hockey.
I know just how stupid that may sound to some people.
I’m barely holding on from one day to the next. I’ve cried at work several times this week and on the way home from the Jackets game on Monday, because I admitted I was trying to win her back. Luckily, my friends I was with assured me that this was normal, because I still loved her.
I just wish she felt the same or something.
Go Blue Jackets!
Beat the Penguins!
This is me from Monday’s game.
Until my next post, ta!