Have you ever had to sit back and watch someone you love self-destruct?
It’s quite possibly one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Because you cannot stop someone from self-destructing. Especially if said person wants to do it.
I know what you’re thinking. If you love that person you will find a way to help them.
You cannot help someone who does not want help.
Plain and simple reality.
I’m a fucking realist. I’ve dealt with people who are addicts all my life.
My mom.
My ex-boyfriend.
My aunt.
My dad.
My fucking husband, who I love more than anything else.
I don’t want to deal with it anymore.
I want to turn a blind eye, but I can’t.
He’s out right now and my hands are shaking so badly, I can hardly type.
My husband has a chemical imbalance in his brain. Let me try to explain.
You know how most people are out having drinks and there comes a point where they say to themselves, “Hey, I’ve had enough. I’m not drinking anymore.”?
Well, my husband’s brain lacks this function. The signal never gets to his brain that tells him he’s had enough. He wants more and more until it’s way too late.

Do I sound uncaring?
I do care.
I care more than anyone will ever know.
All I ever wanted was to be happy and for a long time I was.

An enabler!
That’s all I fucking am.
All I will ever fucking be.
I’ll never help anyone.
Unless it’s helping them to an early grave.
I suck way more than anybody could ever imagine.

I don’t give advice for this very reason.
Who the fuck am I to give anyone advice?!
Don’t fucking EVER listen to me.

Because if you do,
Gods help you.

I am an awful person.

Am I trying to get sympathy?
I’m just venting.
No one reads this anyway.

I am just a worthless liar
I am just an imbecile
I will only complicate you
Trust in me and fall as well

I will find a center in you
I will chew it up and leave
I will work to elevate you
Just enough to bring you down”
Sober~ Tool